


Dirty Work

by Redembe



Series: The Dirty Series [3]
Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: M/M, Molestation, Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 22:34:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18838129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redembe/pseuds/Redembe
Summary: Secrets come to light that may change Jim and Blair's relationship forever.





	Dirty Work

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this one grew some legs. Honestly, I didn't want to end this part where I did but I decided to make the second half a separate chapter. Please be aware that this story contains descriptions of childhood molestation and rape. I tried not to make it too graphic, but be warned...

           Thoughts about Alice and rabbit holes circled his brain as Blair sat in yet another hospital room.  He thought about all of the times that he and/or Jim had ended up here in the past four years.  He thought about maybe running away to Belize or Nigeria or fucking Australia even and dragging Jim’s unconscious body with him just so he wouldn’t have to listen to one more doctor say, “We’re doing everything we can.”

            He was about to crack.  Crack under the pressure of wanting to scream at them that he fucking KNOWS what’s wrong already, just let me take him HOME!  Where we can be safe.  Where there are no pitying smiles, no intrusive and unwanted visitors, no more fucking TESTS for gods sake.  He wished Jim was awake so he could voice that thought.  He’d get a kick out of it.  Blair not wanting to do tests.  Or maybe he wouldn't.  Maybe they were past Jim being able to laugh about any of this.

            Bill Ellison had tried to visit today.  Blair had almost gotten himself kicked out of the hospital when he started yelling at that goddamn son-of-a-bitch.  Just the thought of Jim’s father made his blood pressure rise.  He thought about how his mother would mourn the loss of her son’s pacifist tendencies.  Oh well.  Seems like they were losing a lot of things these days.    

            In his pocket, he felt his cell phone buzz.  He thought about ignoring it but he was still waiting on news from Simon about the case that had started all of this mess. 

            “Hello,” he answered.

            “Blair, it’s me,” Simon’s deep rumble had taken on a decidedly exhausted tone these days.

            “Any news?” 

            “Not on the case.  Blair, I need you to come to the station."

            “Simon, you know I can’t leave him.”

            “This is not something I can tell you over the phone.”

            Blair sighed.  He’d only left Jim’s side twice in the past seven days since he’d been admitted.  He knew it must be very important if Simon was asking him to spend that much time apart from the Sentinel.

            “What’s this about if it’s not about the case?” 

            “It’s indirectly connected.  I just don’t want to cause a setback in case he IS listening,” Simon said.

            Blair sat silently for a long minute.  He watched Jim’s chest move up and down, listened to the heart monitor beeping away.  He wasn’t sure at all how much awareness Jim had of his surroundings.  He hadn’t so much as squeezed Blair’s hand or twitched a finger since he’d gone catatonic.  But if Simon thought whatever news he had might cause Jim further trauma then maybe it would be better if he didn’t hear it.

            “All right, Simon.  I’m on my way.”

            “Thank you, Blair.”

            At the station, Blair went straight to Simon’s office, barely registering the sympathetic glances and greetings from the various members of Major Crimes.  When the door shut behind him Simon looked up from his desk.

            “Sit down, Blair,” he said.

            “What’s going on?”  Blair asked.  At this point he couldn’t even begin to guess what additional disaster might have occurred in the past seven days.

            “I just got a call from Stephen Ellison.  He found Mr. Ellison dead in his house.  Apparent suicide.”

            “Oh,” Blair said.  “That’s…”  Blair swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.  All this time he hadn’t cried.  Not one single solitary tear.  And he certainly bore no feelings of grief for Jim’s father.  What he felt was a rage so deep that it was too dangerous to express.  With one cowardly act, William Ellison had taken away his son’s only avenue of closure.  No matter what happened now, Jim would never get the answers to questions he would invariably have when he woke up. 

            “Thanks for telling me, Simon.  You were right.  Jim doesn’t need to hear this right now.  If he can… if he’s listening.”

            Blair got up and wandered out of the Captain’s office, barely hearing the other man’s parting words.   No, there was nothing Simon could do.  Nothing that would erase what had happened to Jim over thirty years ago.  That was something they would have to work through, work on, work around.  

            When Blair returned to Jim’s hospital room, he found the other man sitting up in bed, blinking as if he couldn’t quite figure out what had happened.  He thought he might have managed to call Jim’s name before he collapsed.

 

**TWO MONTHS EARLIER**

 

            Jim listened as Blair held court in the break room.  He had cornered Brown and Taggert and was giving them a lecture about the school to prison pipeline and how law enforcement could do a better job of helping intervene before these kids spent their entire lives going in and out of prison.  He only felt a little sorry for them.  After all, they had ended up winning the bet the unit had on when he and Blair had officially gotten together.

            Their ‘coming out’ had been rather uneventful.  They decided to tell Simon, of course, who had just rolled his eyes and shooed them out of his office with comments about keeping the PDAs to a minimum.  Then they shared the news with select members of Major Crime who they knew would be supportive.  And of course, the station grapevine being what it was, the news quickly spread.  So far nothing horrible had happened to either of them.  They had gotten a few dirty looks, and one idiot from parking enforcement had tried to grope Blair’s ass.  But in the weeks following the Big Announcement, it had been relatively quiet at the Cascade PD.

            “Jim,” Simon’s voice drew his attention away from Brown trying not so subtly to extricate himself from the conversation.

            “What’s up, Captain?”  He asked.

            “Get Sandburg and meet me in my office.  We’ve got a new case and I’m going to want you to take point on this one.”  The serious tone did not bode well. 

            “It’s bad?” 

            “Yeah.  Looks like a kiddie porn ring.  Homicide caught it and kicked it up to us when they found a library of the stuff on the vic’s computer.”

            Jim frowned.  He glanced towards the break room.  Guess quiet didn’t last long.

            “Sandburg,” Jim interrupted Blair, who was still going a mile-a-minute at Brown (Taggert having escaped only moments before).

            “Yeah, Jim,” Blair’s hands seemed to stop mid-lecture, ready to resume the minute Jim left.

            “Simon wants us.  There’s a new case.”  He turned and walked away towards Simon’s office. 

            “I’ll catch up with you later, Henri, I think I have some interesting ideas here,” Blair said, before he followed Jim out into the bullpen.

            In Simon’s office, the two partners seated themselves across from the Captain.  Jim could see that Simon already had several thick files on his desk. 

            “It looks like Homicide might have stumbled on a kiddie porn ring.  In the course of investigating the murder of a Barrett Hughs,” here he handed Jim an open file folder containing a picture of the deceased along with details of the crime scene investigation.  “Mr. Hughs was shot during what appeared at first to be a home invasion robbery.  We now believe that whoever killed him was looking for something specific, possibly related to this kiddie porn operation.  The CSI team didn’t log a cell phone into evidence and there appears to be a desktop computer missing from the premises although the murderer didn’t take the laptop.  The detectives think the perp was interrupted when the victim’s wife returned home.  She was the one who found the body.”

            “And of course she probably didn’t see anything right?”  Jim guessed pessimistically.

            “Not a thing,” Simon answered.

            “What makes them think this is an organized operation?”  Blair asked while Jim had a look through the CSI information and accompanying pictures. 

            “Based on the information found on the victim’s laptop concerning the origin of some of the pictures and videos, it’s evident that several individuals are involved in at least exchanging this material.  They’re not one hundred percent sure there’s an organized operation going on here but there’s at least more than one individual involved.”

            “And they suspect this Hughs guy was murdered in relation to these other crimes,” Jim said, closing the folder.

            “Most likely,” Simon said, handing over the rest of the material to Jim.  “These are the reports from the forensic analyst and all of the case interviews, such as they are.  If you need more manpower, let me know.  I have a feeling about this.”

            Jim and Blair exchanged a look.  They both knew that when Simon had a ‘feeling’ about a certain case, it was bound to be tough.  Jim scooped the rest of the files off of Simon’s desk.

            “I think we’ll go have a chat with Mrs. Hughs,” Jim said.  “Then we can look over these forensic files.  I want to get a look at the crime scene even if it is a few weeks old.  Maybe I can sense something the team missed.”

            “Sounds like a plan,” Simon gave his blessing with a wave as the two men left his office.

            “Oh man,” Blair sighed, “child porn.”  Jim read the pained expression on his partner’s face.

            “Hey Chief, if this is gonna be a problem for you, you can sit this one out you know,” Jim said, stopping his partner with a gentle hand on his shoulder.

            “Frankly,” Blair said, then hesitated.  At Jim’s quizzical look, he went on.  “I’m more concerned about you.”

            For half a second Jim was confused about why Blair would be worried about him with this case.  Then he remembered.  Weeks ago when they’d first got together and the videos that had catalyzed the whole thing.  He hadn’t given them much thought since that day.  Mostly because he had his fantasy right there with him.  Those movies seemed a poor reflection in the face of reality.

            “Thanks, Chief, but I’ll be okay.  I’ve handled tough cases before.”  He gave Blair’s shoulder a pat and moved around the younger man.  Blair followed behind, not looking forward to dealing with traumatized children and the sick monsters who victimized them. 

           

 

            Mrs. Jennifer Hughs seemed the type of woman who didn’t take much shit off of anyone.  She was tall.  Taller than Blair but shorter than Jim only by a couple of inches.  And she had a no-nonsense sort of expression and piercing green eyes.  The partners watched her as she kept an eye on her youngest daughter, 4 year old Sophie, who was playing in the living room.  They were seated in a cozy kitchen in Jennifer’s mother’s house.  The CSI team wasn’t quite finished with her place and she wasn’t sure she wanted to go back there anyway.

            “I still can’t believe it,” she was saying.  “I feel like I’m in the plot of some melodramatic Lifetime movie.  How could I have not KNOWN?!”  Her plaintive voice sounded shaky but her eyes were clear.  She was holding it together, but barely.

            “Don’t beat yourself up about it, Jennifer,” Blair said, “He hid it really well.  There was no way you could have known.”

            “What about my kids?”  She asked.  “What if he…”  She dropped her gaze and Jim watched her tense her jaw, holding back the tears.

            “Just to be safe, it would probably be wise to have them evaluated by a professional.  At the very least you want the peace of mind to know that nothing happened, and if…  If there IS something to find then you want to get them help as soon as possible.” 

            Blair listened to Jim talk and heard the tenderness in his voice.  Even though the older man tended to be the strong, silent type he could be very good with victims.  He seemed to know how to connect with them on a level that impressed even Blair from time to time.

            “I asked my older girls about it.  I know it was probably not the best way to…  But I had to know.  I HAD to.  They both said nothing had happened.  I want to believe them.  I HOPE it’s true.”  She looked at them desperately, as if she wanted them to confirm it for her.

            “I can tell you that the forensics team didn’t find any images or videos of your children on the computer we examined.  I’m not sure if that’s comforting or not but…”  Jim shrugged eloquently.

            “Thank you, Detective.  I’ll make an appointment for them as soon as possible.”

            “So you’re sure you didn’t see or hear anything when you came in that afternoon?  No cars on the street that aren’t normally there?  No suspicious persons walking down the sidewalk as you pulled in?  Really, anything could be helpful.”

            “I honestly don’t remember anything unusual.  I wouldn’t have noticed a strange vehicle anyway.  Most of the folks on my street have regular visitors and I don’t often keep track of what their cars look like.”

            “Can you walk us through it step by step?  Sometimes details that you don’t think are important can be significant.”  Blair encouraged.

            “Well, I got off work early at three.  I drove home and stopped for coffee at Starbucks on the way.  When I pulled in, Barrett’s car was in the driveway, but that isn’t unusual because he typically works from home on Fridays.  I decided not to pick up Sophie from daycare because I thought we could have some alone time.”  She paused, her face tightened fractionally.  “I went in the back door like usual.”

            “Did you use a key?  Was the door locked?”  Jim asked.  “The CSI report indicated no evidence of forced entry.”

            “I think… Yes, I did use my key.  I remember throwing the keys on the table before I set my purse down.”

            “Good, good,” Jim said. 

            “Is that significant?”  She asked.

            “Maybe.  It may indicate that the perpetrator had a key or that your husband knew them and let them in.  We can’t know for sure but it’s a piece of the puzzle we didn’t have before.”  Jim explained.  “Then what?”

            “I put my purse down and called out for Barrett.  He didn’t answer so I assumed he was in his study upstairs.  Sometimes he puts his headphones on and doesn’t hear me when I call him.  I walked through the kitchen into the living room and I was going to go upstairs but when I went into the front hall I saw…  well, you know.”  She said.

            “You saw Barrett.”  Blair prompted.

            “Yes.  He was laying in the foyer.  Right by the front door.  It all gets a little fuzzy after that.”  She concluded.

            Jim could of course deduce the rest.  Probably a moment of panic before she knelt next to her deceased husband.  The frantic attempts to revive him.  The call to 911.  The seemingly interminable wait for the EMTs. 

            “Thank you, Mrs. Hughs,” Jim said, patting her hand.  “You’ve been a big help.  Please call me if anything else comes up.  If you remember anything else or if you just have questions about the case.”  He put his business card on the table between them.

            “Will you need a report from whoever I get to talk to the girls?”  She asked.

            “Possibly.  But therapists and psychologists are mandated reporters anyway.  If the girls report any abuse, they’re required by law to provide us with that information.  Let’s hope that’s not the case.” 

            “Yes, let’s hope,” she said, her eyes watching the youngest child.  “Is that all, detective?  I really do have a lot to do today.”

            Jim glanced at his notes, then looked at Blair and asked a silent question; did he have anything to add?  Blair’s shrug said no.

            “I think we’re done for now, Mrs. Hughs,” he said, rising and extending his hand.  When she shook it he could feel a slight tremor. 

 

 

 

            “Man, I can’t even imagine what she’s going through,” Blair said as they climbed into the truck.

            Jim clenched his jaw and felt Blair’s concerned gaze on the side of his face.  “Yeah, Chief, it’s bad enough to find out that your husband has kiddie porn on his computer but to have to worry that he might have molested his own kids…”

            They lapsed into silence.  The ride back to the station was solemn.  By the time they returned they only had a couple of hours to sort through his interview notes and the information gathered by the rest of the team.  His brain was beginning to make connections but the picture was still really fuzzy.  Something about this case had him feeling crawly, unsettled.  He chalked it up to the content.  No investigator enjoyed having to see the kind of suffering he could see in these kids’ faces. 

            “Let’s get out of here,” he said.

            Blair glanced at his watch, raised his eyebrows and said, “Really?  It’s only 3:30.” 

            “I know, but I’ve had about all I can take of this.  And we really can’t do much more on the case today.  We’ll have to wait for the final forensics report on the scene and the other interviews from Brown and Rafe.”

            “Sure, man, no problem,” Blair said, gathering his things together.

            The two men drove home feeling like a cloud of sadness had settled over them.  Jim felt a headache starting and rubbed his temples while they sat at a red light.

            “Head bothering you?”  Blair asked, always the observer.

            “Yeah.  I’ll take some aspirin at home.”

            “Want me to give you a massage?  You must be in knots after today.”

            “Yeah, if you want,” Jim answered, without much enthusiasm. 

            Blair’s concern intensified.  Even during tough cases, his partner could generally muster up a decent level of excitement about one of his Sandburg Special Massages.  Something was niggling at him.  There was something about this case that was really bothering Jim.  He desperately wanted to ask but years of living with the older man had shown him that his usual pushy approach to communication didn’t always work when his lover was really upset about something.  He knew Jim would tell him in time.  He vowed to be patient and supportive and give Jim the time he needed to process.

            At the loft they went through the motions of unwinding from the day.  Coats were hung, keys were tossed in the basket, mail was sorted.

            “I’m going to shower,” Jim said after swallowing a couple of aspirin. 

            Blair watched him go and then gathered some things together for the massage before going upstairs to prepare their bed.  When Jim emerged from the shower he was standing in the hall.  They came together in a comforting embrace, Blair running his hands up and down the larger man’s back, trying to convey his love with the touch.  Jim sighed.

            “Let’s go upstairs,” Blair said, taking him by the hand and leading him.

            He positioned his lover on his front on the towels he had placed over the comforter.  He had the oil warming in a bowl of hot water on the nightstand.  He stripped off his clothes and then tugged at the towel around Jim’s waist, prompting him to raise his hips so his lover could remove it.  Jim’s eyes were already closed but Blair could still read lines of tension in the Sentinel’s face.  For a moment he just stood admiring his mate.  He tried to imagine that they were different people, doing different jobs.  Maybe living in a nice, warm climate somewhere where they didn’t have to worry about terrorists or dissertations or goddamn pedophiles or any of the other bullshit.

            “I’m fallin’ asleep here, babe.  You gonna give me that rubdown or just admire my assets all night?”

            “On it,” Blair said, climbing onto the bad so he could straddle his lover’s hips.

            Blair let himself fall into a zen-like trance as he massaged his lover’s muscles.  He kept things strictly clinical, sensing that Jim wasn’t really in the mood for intimacy.  Watching his hands glide over the older man’s oiled skin did provoke a reaction though.  He couldn’t help the half-hard erection that developed, but he ignored it in favor of bringing as much comfort to his lover as he could.  He listened to Jim’s little sighs and groans and then listened to his breathing even out into sleep.  Carefully, and without truly waking the older man, he encouraged him to move so he was under the covers, then climbed in on his side and fell into sleep himself.  Both mens’ dreams were filled with grey shadows and grasping hands.

            Morning brought rain and a heavy malaise that had them moving groggily from sleep to waking, feeling as if they hadn’t actually rested.

            “Coffee,” they said in unison and grinned.

            “I think I want to take a closer look at the computer forensics today.  Maybe have the tech run it down with me.  There’s something there that I’m missing and it may be that I just don’t have to technical knowledge to find it,” Jim said, shoving the last of a bagel in his mouth.

            “Sounds good.  If you want, I can help Rafe and Brown with the last of the neighborhood interviews.  They said they still had a couple they didn’t talk with because of work conflicts.”

            “Okay, Chief.  So I guess we can maybe meet for lunch around one?”

            “That should work.  Then we can trade information.  Maybe it isn’t some huge kiddie porn ring.  Maybe it was just Hughs.”  The hope in Blair’s voice was forced.  The information they had already uncovered from Hughs’ computer had revealed at least two other men who had exchanged the pictures and videos and there was still the issue of who was actually making them or distributing them.

            “Do you know if forensics was able to get actual names on those other guys?”  Blair asked.

            “It would certainly be nice,” Jim said, “I’d like to haul them in and sweat them to see if we can break this thing sooner rather than later.”

            “You about ready?”  Blair asked, suddenly wanting to get going so maybe they could get this over with faster.

            “As ready as I’ll ever be,” Jim answered.

 

 

 

            “Good news on the IDs for the other two screen names, Detective,” the forensic tech greeted him.

            “Really?  That’s great!  What have you got, Achebe?”

            The tech turned to his computer screen and motioned for Jim to have a seat beside him.  “Well, I’m printing up a written report but let me show you on the screen here.  The original transaction from ‘metalhead357’ came from a secured server.  We weren’t able to track that one, BUT we were able to track the transaction sent from the person who received his transmission, this ‘iwannadance89’.  Seems like he wasn’t as careful about his security.  One of the emails was received at an internet café right here in the city.  I’ve noted the location because you’ll need a warrant to get the customer’s account information.”

            “Good work, Achebe.  That’s a real solid lead.  Can you have this on my desk within the hour?”  Jim asked, feeling as if the ball was finally rolling here.  It was lucky that one of the other offenders happened to be local.  What were the odds?

            “Hey Sandburg,” Jim called as soon as he was aback in the bullpen, “forensics got us a solid lead on one of the other suspects.  As soon as I get the report I’m gonna fax it over to Judge Ibernez and get a warrant.”

            “That’s awesome, Jim!  Did they get a name?”

            “No, but they got the address of the internet café where some of the images and videos were received.  I’m hoping the perp was dumb enough to use a credit card there.”

            “Promising.  Let’s grab some lunch before that report gets here.”

            They ate companionably in the cafeteria because Jim didn’t want to be far away in case the report was finished earlier than expected.  He seemed in better spirits since learning about the internet café lead.  Hopefully they would be able to track down this suspect and that they would have some good info. 

            They spent the rest of the day organizing interviews and paperwork and getting the information together for the warrant request.  With any luck, they should have a signature in the morning and be able to obtain the records from the internet café.

            By five o’ clock, Jim’s eyes were burning and he had the beginnings of a headache.  The pieces of the puzzle just weren’t coming together, and there was something here… something that niggled just at the edge of his conscious mind.  It was frustrating and anxiety provoking. 

            “You ready to go home?”  Blair asked.  Jim didn’t miss the hopeful tone.

            “Yeah, sure.  Not much more we can do today.”  But he didn’t move.  His eyes stayed glued to the folder open in front of him.  It contained a school picture of one of the boys they’d identified in the multitude of pictures and videos.  Another nasty part of these cases.  They would not only be pursuing the suspected pedophile(s) but also working to identify the children.  He thought about all of those faces.  Were they even still alive?  Did they fall prey to an even worse fate?  Did their parents know?  Did they even HAVE parents?  These were the questions that consumed him.  It was why he hated these types of cases.  Even worse than murders.  Worse than terrorists threatening the entire city.  No child should have to suffer such trauma. 

            “Jim?”  Blair’s concerned voice broke into his thoughts.  He could feel the younger man’s hand on his shoulder.

            He sighed and closed the file, placing it neatly on top of the stack.  Without words, he rose and grabbed their jackets, handing Blair’s to him.  Then he walked out of the bullpen, knowing his partner was not far behind.

 

 

 

            At home, the melancholy mood continued.  Blair kept his worry for his lover to himself, but offered lots of silent, comforting touches.  Very few words were spoken and the hours passed before bedtime in a kind of emotional limbo.  It wasn’t until the fourth time that Jim had turned over in bad that Blair put a stilling hand on the other man’s shoulder.

            “Jim, do you need to talk about it?”

            “Not much to say.  It’s a tough case.  The kids always get to me.  You know that.”  Jim said.

            “But we’ve had tough cases before.  Child abuse cases.  You’ve never reacted quite like this before.  Are you still having issues with…”

            “No,” Jim said, cutting him off.  “I know what you’re thinking, but that’s not it.  This is not even remotely the same as what you did.”

            Blair nodded, even though Jim had his back turned and wasn’t looking at him.  “Okay, but I just get the feeling that there’s more to it.  You’d tell me if something like this… if you’d ever been…”  He couldn’t quite finish his thought.  His brain skittered away from imagining Jim as a little boy… hurt, scared, betrayed.

            “No, nothing like that,” Jim said.

            “Well, that’s good then.”

            Jim grunted, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. 

            Blair settled down again, head resting on Jim’s big chest, listening to the relaxed beat of his Sentinel’s heart. 

            “Our hearts are beating together,” Jim whispered.

            Blair sat up.  Abruptly wide awake.  “They are?!  When did this happen?!”

            “I noticed it the first time we had sex,” Jim answered quietly.

            “And you didn’t SAY anything?!”  Blair asked, mind suddenly wide awake with the implications of this news.

            “Hadn’t thought about it again until now,” Jim said, pulling on Blair’s arm to get him to lay back down.

            “Hadn’t…  JIM!”  Blair tried to sit up again but Jim held him still.  “This could be really important!”

            Jim shrugged.  “Probably.”

            “Probably, he says,” Blair mumbled, “Probably.”

            Jim chuckled.  “Got your mind off the case…”

            “You dick,” Blair said, giving his right nipple a pinch.

            Jim winced theatrically and hugged his Guide close. 

            “Do they always beat together now or is it just when we’re close like this?”  Blair asked.

            “Always,” Jim answered, voice quiet, almost asleep.  “Go to sleep, Blair.”

            Blair nodded and yawned.  Even the rush of this new discovery couldn’t completely wipe away the exhaustion of the day.

 

 

 

            The internet café search warrant was served without a hitch.  The store’s manager handed over six months’ worth of payment records and login information without a fuss.  The forensic team spent several hours gathering information off of the café’s computers.  Then they were back at the PD playing the waiting game once again. 

            Jim and Blair spent the time working on IDing the children.  They had managed to locate six already but none were local.  Doing these types of notifications by phone to unsuspecting parents was difficult to say the least.  They were able to confirm the identity of five out of the six and were waiting for the sixth parent to return a phone call. 

            “You wanna grab some lunch, Chief?”  Jim asked, pulling Blair’s attention away from the computer database he was scrolling through.

            “Sure,” he said, rubbing his eyes. 

            They left the PD and by mutual agreement drove to one of their favorite Chinese buffets. 

            “Think forensics will get anything from that Internet café?”  Blair asked around a mouthful of fried rice.

            “I hope so.”

            Blair watched Jim move his food around on his plate.

            “You gonna eat?”  He asked, trying to sound casual and not worried.

            “I’m eating,” Jim answered, forking some chicken and noodles into his mouth.

            “No you’re not.  You’re picking,” Blair answered, not quite sure why he was irritated.

            “Look, Sandburg, stop hovering.  I’m a big boy.  I’ve been feeding myself for many years now.”

            “Okay.  Alright.  Jeez.”

            They lapsed into silence while Blair ate and watched as Jim pushed food around on his plate and pretended to have an appetite.  There was definitely something going on here.  Something with this case had Jim more stressed than usual. 

            The ringing of Jim’s cell made them both jump.

            “Ellison,” Jim answered then paused, “We’ll be right there.”  He slid the phone back in his pocket as he got up.  “That was Simon.  They got something.  He says he wants us back pronto.”  Blair nodded and they stopped to pay before hurrying out to the truck. 

            The minute they entered the bullpen, Simon poked his head out of his office.  “In here, gentlemen.”

            They glanced at each other and dodged curious glances as they made their way into Simon’s office.

            “Sit down,” Simon said and waited while they arranged themselves in the two chairs across from his desk.  “Do you recognize this man?”  Simon asked Jim, sliding a small printed photo across the desk.

            Jim stared at the picture for several minutes.  Long enough for Blair to place a Guiding hand on his arm.  But he wasn’t zoning.  He wasn’t sure what this was.  He felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room.  Everything was fuzzy.  Distant.  The face in the photo was familiar.  Yes.  Jesus, he hadn’t thought about this in so long.  So long he’d convinced himself that it didn’t exist.  Had happened to someone else.

            “Jim?”  Blair spoke softly.

            “I’m not zoning,” he said, and swallowed to moisten his suddenly dry throat.

            “Do you recognize him, Jim?”  Simon asked and something about his tone pulled Jim’s shocked gaze away from the ice blue eyes in the photo.  Eyes that looked just like Jim’s.

            “He’s my uncle,” Jim said, voice flat.  “Michael Ellison.  My Dad’s… my Dad’s brother.”

            Simon nodded as if he expected this news.  “I was hoping the last name was just a coincidence, but the resemblance…”  Simon shrugged helplessly. 

            “Wait a minute,” Blair said, trying to catch up, his brain leaping about a hundred steps forward to the obvious conclusions, “you have an uncle?!”  It was the only thing he could say that wouldn’t explode the land mine they had just inadvertently stepped on.

            “Yeah,” Jim said.  “I haven’t seen him since I was thirteen years old.”  Jim slid the photo back across the desk to his Captain.  He swiped his hand across his face and took a deep breath.  He had to pull himself together.  He couldn’t afford to lose it here.  Not here.  Not now.  Simon would pull him off this case so fast…  “I take it this is what forensics found at the café.”

            “Yeah.  They traced some of the videos back to a server that linked to an account held by Ellison.”

            “They get an address?”  Jim asked.

            Simon nodded.  “Seems he’s local.  Look, Jim…”

            “Simon, I know what you’re going to say, and before you say it I just want you to know I can handle this.  I haven’t seen Michael since I was thirteen years old.  Haven’t even thought about him.  I want to finish this, Captain.”

            “Jim, considering the implications here, I don’t think I have a choice.  You know as well as I do that any halfway decent defense attorney would jump all over this.  I can let you finish up with the victim IDs, but I gotta pull you from point on this, Jim.”

            “Wait.  Wait wait wait,” Blair was saying, “You were thirteen?”  Blair turned to Jim, and his hand turned into a vise on Jim’s bicep.

            Jim knew immediately the conclusions his lover had jumped to, but he couldn’t do this here.  Not here.  Not now.  He refused to look over at his Guide.  He kept his eyes locked on Simon and his attention focused on the immediacy of the situation in front of him.  His fists clenched, nails digging into palms.

            “There’s no way around this is there, Captain?”  He knew arguing would do no good.  He knew Simon would bend the rules if he could.  But he also knew that he wanted to get this son of a bitch and staying on as point would damage the case, probably beyond repair.  And then there was the other issue… the one he wasn’t going to think about.

            “No, I’m afraid not.  I’ve already sent Rafe and Brown to pick him up.”

            Jim looked away, but not at his Guide.  He stared for a minute at the wall over Simon’s head, then shook himself.

            “If that’s all then, sir, can I ask for the rest of the day off?  I just… I just need some time.”

            “You don’t want to be here when they question him?”  Simon asked, surprised.

            “He’ll lawyer up,” Jim said, keeping himself here, present, by force of will alone.

            Simon scowled at this.  “You can’t be sure, Jim, maybe they can crack him.”

            “They won’t,” Jim said.  “Can I take the rest of the day, Sir?”

            Simon looked at Blair, his expression communicating volumes.  Blair shrugged and frowned, still hanging onto Jim’s arm.

            “Sure, sure, Jim.  Take the rest of the day.  I’ll have someone give you a call if we need you.”

            Without another word and without so much as a look at his partner, Jim pulled his arm out of Blair’s grip and stalked away.  Blair got up quickly and followed.  Jim didn’t even stop at his desk which left Blair scrambling to grab his bag and his jacket, snagging Jim’s as well. 

            “Jim, wait up, man!”  He yelled as he watched Jim’s retreating back disappear into the hallway outside the bullpen.  “Shit!”  He exclaimed, nearly pulled off his feet by his bag, the strap of which had gotten hung up on the handle of the chair.  “Son of a bitch!”  The volume of his voice drew stares from the other detectives and officers around the room.  Ignoring them, he finally got his bag untangled and ran after his partner.

            He arrived in the parking garage in time to see the truck squeal around a corner towards the exit.  He yelled after his partner ineffectually and then stood with his mouth hanging open.  “Goddamn it, Jim,” he whispered.  Then he sighed heavily.  He’d have to find someone to give him a ride to the loft and hope that Jim had returned there.  He was going to get to the bottom of this.  He’d had enough of secrets.  They were in way too deep now for that.  He steadfastly ignored the little voice in his head whispering about secrets of his own.  There was still time to deal with those.

           

 

           

            The sound of the shower greeted him when he finally stepped foot in the loft and Blair breathed a sigh of relief.  At least Jim was here.  While his lover was in the bathroom, he tried to formulate an approach that wouldn’t get his head bitten off or alternately a stone wall of resistance and denial.  He still hadn’t come up with anything by the time the bathroom door opened, emitting a very tired-looking Sentinel and a cloud of steamy heat.

            He stood up from his place on the couch and Jim’s eyes met his briefly, jaw jumping.  The older man didn’t say anything and Blair suddenly found himself at a loss for words.  Blair’s gaze followed his partner up the stairs.  When Jim didn’t come down again he shook himself into motion and went upstairs to find his lover laying on the bed, towel still around his waist, not even under the covers.  Jim’s eyes stared at nothing but Blair could tell the Sentinel wasn’t zoned.

            Blair stripped quickly down to his boxers and climbed onto the bed behind his Sentinel.  He wrapped himself around Jim, spooning him tightly.  The back of Jim’s neck smelled clean and good and he buried his nose there, breathing steadily, offering comfort. 

            It was dark when he woke up, slightly disoriented from being on top of the covers and stiff from laying in one position for so long.  Jim hadn’t moved and he instinctively knew that the older man hadn’t slept. 

            “I wasn’t trying to keep it secret,” Jim said, quietly.  “I honestly just haven’t thought about it since it happened… since it was over.”

            “Did you repress it?”  Blair asked, his quiet voice matching his partner’s.

            “Not really.  I have the memories.  God, now that it’s in my face it’s all I can think about.”  Jim swallowed loudly.  “I just never let myself think about that time.  Just pushed it down with all the other bullshit I deal with every day.”

            “And you never thought about telling me even when we started sleeping together?”  He tried to keep the hurt from his voice, but he wasn’t sure he succeeded.

            “It wasn’t important.”

            “How could you think it wouldn’t be important?  What if I had…”

            “I mean,” Jim interrupted before Blair could get started on a lecture, “I didn’t want it to touch this.  What happened back then… it doesn’t have anything to do with this… with _us_.”

            “Of course it does, Jim,” Blair said, sitting up but making sure to keep a hand on his lover.  “How could you say it doesn’t affect us?  What happens to us as children… our formative experiences shape how we see the world.”  Blair paused for a second, trying to calm himself down.  This wasn’t Jim’s fault and the older man was trying to deal with it in the best way he knew how.  “Maybe we should back up a bit.”  He said.

            “Blair, do we have to talk about this?  I’ve survived this long without analyzing all of this to death.  I don’t want those images running around in my head and I certainly don’t want them in yours.”

            “Come here,” Blair said, pulling Jim over onto his back and settling himself alongside the older man.  He listened to Jim’s heart beat under his ear and thought about what Jim had said.  _Did_ they need to talk about it?  His gut was telling him that they did.  He was sure that Jim had never dealt with the trauma of whatever he’d experienced.  “I know you don’t want to talk about it, Jim, but I think you _need_ to.  Did you ever get help after it happened?”

            Jim snorted inelegantly.  “You really think my old man would put his son in _therapy_?”

            “Did he know?”

            “He walked in on us.  It was the last time…”

            “Son of a _bitch_!”  Blair sat up, suddenly blindingly angry.  “You’re telling me that your father _knew_ you were being molested and he did nothing?!”

            “Not exactly.  He beat the shit out of Michael.  Threw him out of the house.  Told him to never come back.”

            “But he didn’t call the police.  He didn’t file charges?”

            “Blair, times were different back then.  People didn’t talk about those things.  They just handled them.”

            Blair sat with his mouth hanging open, breathing hard.  Wanting desperately to hit something.

            “I never saw Michael again.  We never spoke about it.  Everyone just sort of pretended nothing had happened so I figured it was over.  Done.  And I forced myself to not think about it.”

            “I don’t even know what to say,” Blair said.  “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”  He laid down again and hugged his lover close. 

            “It’s over, Blair, and it’s not your fault.  Nothing for you to be sorry for.”

            “If he’d only reported him…”

            Jim knew exactly what Blair was thinking.  It was the same thing he’d thought as he stared at a picture of a ghost from his past.  If his father had prosecuted his brother for molesting his son then maybe some other poor kids could have been spared the same suffering.  “Fuck him,” Jim said, dropping a kiss on Blair’s head.

            “Yeah, fuck him,” Blair agreed. 

 

 

            The whisper of the sheet was quiet in the dark room.  Cool air wafted across his naked back, raising goose bumps that got worse, not better at the touch of a warm, dry hand.  He stayed still, eyes closed, hoping the touching would stop and knowing it wouldn’t.  The slow movement of his right arm went unnoticed.  He’d gotten very good at moving without being noticed.  The pain that exploded in his thigh helped him ignore what was happening to the rest of his body.

            “Beautiful boy,” the voice whispered.  The words at once sparking fear and shameful pleasure. 

            Against his will, he felt his body respond to the gentle stroking.  His young cock hardened.  He pinched tighter and squeezed his eyes closed, no longer caring if the man touching him knew he was awake.  Pretending to sleep never stopped it anyway.

            “Just relax, Jimmy.  You know I’ll make you feel good.”

            The bed dipped and he felt his uncle’s weight over him.  Felt hands run down his body, sweeping away the rest of the covers.  Large hands palmed his ass over his underwear and he could hear the raspy breathing of his uncle as he rubbed his palms up and down.

            “You get me so hot, Jimmy,” the voice said, and he tried to pinch harder, tried to make the voice go away, tried to make his brain go away like it had so many times before. 

            He could feel things in flashes now.  Sometimes his body was numb, sometimes he could feel his uncle’s hot breath on the back of his neck.  One minute he felt nothing, his body disconnected from what he was seeing and hearing, the next the pain exploded, searing him, lighting him on fire.  He tried to scream but a hand clamped down over his mouth so all he could manage was a few pathetic moans of protest.  He was squashed under the bigger man’s weight, feeling the rhythmic thrusting, knowing that what was happening was wrong but having no name for what it was.

            “So good, so tight, oh sweet Jimmy boy.”

            His uncle’s voice wormed its way into his head, making him sick, making him want to wrap his hands around the man’s throat and squeeze.  From somewhere the rage came.  Somewhere deep inside of him.  It exploded out of him and a flurry of struggling limbs.  His legs kicked and his arms flailed.  His uncle grunted on top of him, trying to hold him still.  He managed to get his mouth free and let out one long yell before the man was able to subdue him again.

            Suddenly there was light in the room.  From the hallway Jim could hear his father’s voice.  Then the weight was lifted off of him, his attacker’s penis jerked painfully from his ass.  Everything faded away as he curled in on himself, at once thankful that the ordeal was over and also horribly ashamed that his father had seen it. 

            “Jim,” a voice was calling him back, forcing him back to reality.  “Jim, wake up.” 

            Then a hand was shaking him, touching him.  Not again!  Never again!  He felt himself snap back into his body abruptly, arms swinging to keep that hated touch away.  He felt his fist connect with something and heard a pained grunt.

            “Fuck, Jim!” 

            Jerking up in bad, eyes opening to his loft bedroom, he looked around frantically for his attacker but saw no one.  No one accept Blair, who was currently holding the side of his face and standing next to the bed.

            “Blair?”  The voice that emerged sounded way too much like his thirteen year old self for comfort.

            “Jim, are you awake now?”  Blair asked, putting one knee on the side of the bed and reaching for him.

            When Jim saw the bruise coming up on Blair’s cheek, he gasped. “Oh geez, babe, I’m sorry.”  He reached out and pulled Blair to him, holding him close.

            “It’s okay.  I’m okay,” he said, rubbing his Sentinel’s back. 

            They sat like that for a few minutes, letting their breathing come back to normal.

            “I couldn’t wake you,” Blair whispered.  “It was like you were in some sort of weird zone.  Like you couldn’t sense me at all.”

            “It was like I was there again,” Jim said.  “I could feel everything.  God, Blair, it was so real.”

            “It’s over now, babe.  You’re okay.”

            “But I hit you.”  Pulling away, Jim stroked his hand across Blair’s face gently, trying to assess the damage.

            “I’ll be okay.  It’s not your fault.”

            The desire to wipe away the stain of the dream overwhelmed him then.  He leaned forward and sealed his lips against his Guide’s.  Blair responded as he always did, but gentled the kiss and sat back, putting a distancing hand on his Sentinel’s chest.

            “Jim, I’m not sure we should…”

            “I am,” Jim said and kissed Blair again before he could manage to talk them out of this.

            He bore Blair back down onto the bed, kissing him deeply, letting Blair’s singular taste wash over his tongue.  He could feel the vibrations of the younger man’s moans against his mouth and they drove his passion.  The desire to possess his lover ruled him.  At this moment he was sure that Blair was the only thing standing between him and insanity.  Tearing his mouth away from Blair’s he listened to his partner’s ragged breathing as he laid a line of sucking, biting kisses along the front of the other man’s neck, down over his Adam’s apple and chest.  He felt Blair’s hands moving over him restlessly.

            “God, Jim,” Blair breathed.  “You make me crazy, lover.”

            Jim raised his head and grinned.  “Keep talking.”

            “Want you… so much.”  Blair’s words accompanied Jim’s frenzied journey down his body.  “Your mouth… yeah, suck me.  God, how’d you get so damn good at that?”

            Blair watched as Jim moved off his cock to speak, “I had a good teacher.”  With a wink he went back to what he was doing and Blair’s head feel back, mouth open and panting.

            In the cold light of day, Jim sometimes felt twinges of shy embarrassment about how much he loved sucking Blair off.  Some days he felt like he was having an entire separate relationship with Blair’s dick.  He loved the feeling of control it gave him but conversely he also loved how owned he felt when his lover’s hardness was filling his throat, cutting off his air.  He loved that he could give Blair so much pleasure, could make him cum.  He worked Blair with everything he had.  His only thought was to have that taste, pure Blair, to carry around with him.  A sense memory that seemed to keep his Guide close no matter how far apart they were physically. 

            “Almost there, lover.  Gonna cum down your throat.  Got, yes, just like that.  Stay down there just like that.” 

            Jim felt Blair’s hand on his head, holding him in place.  Felt Blair’s minute little thrusts as he tried to go deeper.  That was when he pulled out his secret weapon.  The one thing that was guaranteed to make Blair lose it.  He closed his eyes and felt the fullness in his throat and swallowed around Blair’s dick and then he started humming.  He was sure that even if Blair had been quiet he wouldn’t have been able to hear it, but he certainly _felt_ it. 

            “Yeah!” Blair shouted.  “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!  Fuck!” 

            When he felt Blair start to cum he pulled back, wanting to taste.  Sucking intently on the head of Blair’s cock, Jim swallowed his lover’s bitter seed, then spent a few seconds licking the softening member before his lover pulled him up to lay beside him.

            “I think I’m dead,” Blair said, still breathing hard, “I think you killed me and now I’m in heaven.”

            “Death by blow job?”  Jim teased, his voice rough.

            “The best kind,” Blair stated emphatically.

            Jim chuckled and nuzzled his face into Blair’s chest, searching for and finding the pierced nipple, tugging on the ring with his teeth. 

            Blair hissed and arched beneath him.

            “Oh, yeah.  That’s good, Jim.”

            “I want you,” Jim said.

            “You’ve got me.”  Blair’s breath hitched as Jim tugged again, harder.

            “I want to fuck you.”

            “Go right ahead.”

            “Roll over.”

            Blair groaned and did as he was told, lying flat on his stomach on the bed.  Sensing something different about this moment, Blair waited.  Jim in command mode had his heart racing, even if his dick was still recovering from round one.

            “I want to open you with my cock.  Is that okay?” 

            The slight uncertainty in Jim’s voice had him looking back over his shoulder.  Jim’s dick was hard and dripping.  Blair could tell he was on the edge.  Blair had mentioned this a time or two, knowing that he had the muscle control and experience to be able to take Jim without too much prep, but Jim had always been conservative, afraid of hurting his smaller lover.  The fact that they’d apparently moved past that revved him up even more.

            “Yeah, yeah, that’s okay.  Do it.  I want to feel you stretching me.”

            Jim nodded, reaching for the lube and coating his cock thoroughly.

            “Stay just like that,” Jim said, placing a steadying hand on the small of Blair’s back and taking hold of his erection with his other one.

            Blair propped himself up on his elbows so he could brace his body against the pressure of Jim’s entry.  He felt the head of Jim’s dick at his hole and pushed back, feeling the stretch, feeling the slight burning sensation that was too close to pleasure to be called pain.  He groaned long and low as Jim pushed into him in one long, smooth thrust.

            “Oh god, Jim.  You feel huge.  So fucking good, lover.  Do me.  Do me now.  Fuck me hard, Jim!” 

            Watching himself disappear inside his lover’s body was always amazing, but opening him on his cock, feeling how much tighter and hotter the passage was without stretching beforehand was something else.  He knew he wasn’t going to last long.  Certainly not long enough to get Blair off again.

            “Not… gonna… last,” he panted as he thrust in and out of his Guide. 

            “I know,” Blair breathed, “it’s okay.  Feels great.  Better than great.  Yeah, just like that, baby.  You got it.  Cum for me, Jim.  I want to feel you.  Want your cream inside me.  Marking me.  Making me yours.”

            Jim strained to last a few more thrusts.  He bent his head to bite and mouth at Blair’s shoulders and back.  He nosed the sweat-damp hair out of the way and latched onto the back of Blair’s neck with his teeth and really started pounding away at his Guide.  For the first time since he’d learned how to fuck a man he didn’t hold back.  He used all his weight and the force of his strength in those last thrusts.  He heard Blair’s small, pained grunts on each in-stroke and gripped his neck harder, knowing he was leaving marks and not caring.  Just like he knew that the pain his lover was feeling was the good kind.  Finally, he couldn’t get enough air and he was forced to release the skin he’d captured.  When he did, Blair’s head fell forward onto his crossed arms and Jim threw his head back and came screaming. 

            When it was over, he let himself collapse onto his smaller partner.  They were both breathing hard.  He felt like he was wrung out.  Like he’d just been on a twenty mile march with a sixty pound pack.  Jesus.

            “Jim, I know you’re like, having a moment back there, but I’m gonna have to breath soon,” Blair said, affection plain in his voice.

            Jim rolled off of him with a groan, his semi-soft cock coming free with a wet plop.  He heard Blair groan too and knew he must be sore.

            “Let me check you,” he said tenderly and Blair lay getting his breath back as Jim carefully checked his ass.  Thankfully, he didn’t smell or see any blood, but the small rosebud looked swollen and red.  He placed a gentle kiss there without thinking and smelled himself inside of his lover, smelled his cum which was oozing out just a bit.  For a minute he was mesmerized by the sight.  Then, without allowing himself to analyze, he bend again and touched his tongue to the small opening.  He heard Blair groan and felt his lover’s body relax even more.  And suddenly he couldn’t get enough.  He had no idea what was driving this.  It was like he couldn’t get close enough, couldn’t have enough of Blair’s pleasure. 

            He let his instincts guide him as he continued to make love to Blair’s opening.  Tasting himself and Blair and feeling the heat from the irritated tissues was making him crazy for his lover again.  Incredibly, he realized he was getting hard again.  Then he reached underneath his partner and felt Blair’s renewed erection.  Groaning, he continued to kiss and suck at the tiny hole, occasionally dipping his tongue inside to get more of his own taste.

            “Jim, man, you’re driving me crazy here.  What is going on with you?”  Blair asked, looking back over his shoulder at his Sentinel.

            “I don’t know, Blair,” Jim said, “I just… I need…”  Jim groaned and buried his face in the small of Blair’s back, frustrated at his inability to articulate this swirling _need_ that was burning him from the inside out.

            “It’s okay,” Blair said, twisting around the take Jim’s face in his hands, kissing him passionately.  “Whatever you need, it’s okay.  I’m here for you, Jim.  All for you.  Just take it.  Whatever it is.”

            “Will you fuck me?”  Jim asked between frantic kisses.  “Like I did you.  Just you.  Just your beautiful cock splitting me.  Please…” 

            “Jim, you’re not ready for that.  I could hurt you.  I don’t mind it if you want a little pain to intensify the feeling but you don’t have the muscle control I do.  I’d never forgive myself…”

            “You’ll go slow.  I know you won’t hurt me.  Please, Blair.  I need it.  That’s exactly what I need.  Want to belong to you.  Want you to make it hurt so good.” 

            Blair knew this could be a mistake.  Knew he’d never forgive himself if he actually caused Jim real pain or injury.  But something inside of him was telling him that it was okay.  There was something happening between them that was too large and powerful to be ignored.  It was almost like he was possessed, and he could read the same desperate longing in his Sentinel’s eyes.  A need to connect on a deeper level.  A need for them to belong to each other in a way no other two people could. 

            “Yes,” he heard himself say.  “Lay down, lover.”

            Feeling as if he was outside of himself somehow, Jim lay on his stomach on the bed.  He felt his hard cock throbbing once again against the blanket and groaned.  He couldn’t believe what was happening.  He often joked about the more mystical aspects of this whole Sentinel/Guide thing, but ever since they had become lovers he’d started to look at the whole thing in a new light.  And now, this _thing_ between them was driving them to some sort of final culmination.  He could feel it coming.  Like he could feel a storm coming; electricity and ozone in the air.  An invisible force beyond denial.  It both terrified and excited him. 

            He felt Blair’s weight dip the bed and tried to spread his legs, but Blair straddled him instead, putting his legs outside of the larger man’s.

            “More leverage,” Blair whispered, kissing the back of his neck, leaving wet trails of saliva in his wake.  “God, I can’t believe this.  Feels incredible.  Feels like I could conquer the world.”

            Blair’s words produced only an answering groan.  Beyond speech, Jim simply let his body relax into the bed, waiting for his Guide to claim him.

            For a minute Blair just hovered over the Sentinel, kissing his neck and back, running his hands over the magnificent body below him.  His thoughts were chaotic.  Memories of all of the time they’d spent together.  The good times and the bad times.  He thought about their future.  He wondered if they would have a future.  There were things he hadn’t told his lover.  Things he should have told him long ago.  But he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, he knew that once they did this there would be no going back.  They would be connected, one, Sentinel and Guide for real.  What would that mean? 

            Pushing his face into his lover’s back, he tried to make himself stop.  He tried to reign in this wild instinctual imperative, but the more he fought, the more his body betrayed him.  His dick was so hard it was painful, his balls felt heavy and full, waiting to empty their load into the body of his mate.  How could he have miscalculated so badly?  Now he was in love with Jim and Jim with him.  He had chosen his path the minute he accepted the responsibilities of being the city’s Shaman and Jim’s Guide.  He’d gone native.  And in his heart he knew he’d always been heading toward that choice.  The time for doing anything else had passed long ago.

            “Blair?”  Jim’s vaguely worried voice drifted back to him.

            “I’m here,” he answered, “I’m here, Jim.”

            “Are you okay?”  The older man asked, looking back to catch his partner’s eyes.

            They stared at each other for a moment.  The profound connection hovering tentatively between them, yet to be completed.

            “I don’t know,” Blair answered, the truth pulled from by that connection.  He felt Jim stiffen minutely under him but the other man waited, sensing there was more.  The pain of keeping silent was like a knife in his gut, but the connection between them demanded his attention and he had made his choice.  He would just have to hope the cost wasn’t more than he could pay. 

            “I love you, Jim,” he said, feeling emotion swell inside him, “No matter what happens you have to know how much I love you.”  Then he placed the head of his cock at Jim’s hole and pushed.  He watched Jim’s eyes go big and the big man’s mouth fall open.

            “Breathe,” he encouraged as he felt Jim’s ass grip him like a vise.  “Breathe, Jim.  Just give it a minute.”

            “Oh, god,” Jim moaned.  The feeling was so intense.  It hurt of course.  He had expected as much after Blair’s warning.  But the pain seemed secondary to the goal of gaining the connection his body, mind and soul seemed to be calling for.  He was grateful for Blair’s patience and restraint though.  “Jesus, Blair.  Is this… is this how it felt for you?”

            Blair’s pained laugh brought a smile to his lips.  “I told you, man.”

            “I’m okay.  Keep going.  I want to feel you.”

            Blair pushed gently, going so slow he was afraid he might stroke out from the level of control he was exerting.  He gave Jim plenty of time to breathe and relax between thrusts.  He waited to feel the older man’s muscles relax around him.  It was almost too painful to be pleasurable.  But then he was inside.  All the way inside his mate.  They groaned together as Blair relaxed against Jim’s back, wrapping his arms around the older man’s shoulders and squeezing him tightly.

            “I can feel you,” Jim said.  “I can feel your heartbeat inside of me.  It’s like you’re everywhere, Blair.  Move, please.  I’m ready.”

            He didn’t stop to ask if Jim was sure.  He could feel it.  Every thrust brought him closer to his Sentinel.  He used his knees, digging into the bed, to pump himself in and out of his lover and his grip on the older man’s shoulder to pull him into every thrust.  He felt himself straining, grunting, and groaning.  He couldn’t even form an intelligible thought.  His entire universe consisted of this moment and the driving need to complete the spiritual connection they were forging with their bodies.  He tried to hold back, not wanting to hurt his more inexperienced lover, but the instinct would not be denied.  With a series of stuttering shouts, he felt his control slipping, felt himself begin to pound aggressively into his lover.  He listened to Jim’s grunts and sharp inhalations of breath and hoped he wasn’t hurting too badly, prayed that Jim would tell him to stop if he was.  It was out of his hands now.  Everything was out of his hands now.  Love, despair, passion, shame, and desperation flowed from him down the link.  He could feel the moment the connection was made.  He could feel Jim shuddering and moaning beneath him as he came.  Then Blair’s body answered his mate’s call and with a few last powerful thrusts he joined his Sentinel in pleasure.

            When Jim came back to himself, he could feel Blair’s heavy, sleeping weight on his back.  The other man’s soft cock was still lodged I his ass and he smiled at the sensation.  Tentatively, he gave it a squeeze and knew he was going to be sore for a few days.  His muscles were certainly protesting.

            “Jim, I swear, I can’t go another round.  You’re gonna have to give me a break here,” Blair mumbled, rolling off of him to lay on his back beside him, eyes still closed.

            Jim chuckled, feeling pretty good overall, sore ass notwithstanding.  “Relax, Sandburg, I was just… feeling it.”

            Blair turned his head to gaze into the sated eyes of his lover.  He could still feel the connection between them, humming along like a low-level electrical current.  Part of his mind was busy documenting, cataloguing and analyzing, but most of him was just enjoying how _right_ it felt to be connected to Jim in this way.

            “Do you feel it?”  Jim asked quietly.

            Blair nodded.

            “Did you know that would happen?”

            Blair shook his head slowly.

            Jim gave him a serious look.

            “Well, I had theorized…”  Blair answered with a shrug.  "Until recently it was only a vague theory supported only by the most inconsequential…”

            “Blair,” Jim interrupted and Blair stopped talking, “shut up.”

            Blair smiled and blushed hotly.

            “At the end… I felt you.  What you were feeling.  Blair, why did you feel so sad?” 

            And wasn’t this just a perfect time for Jim Ellison to develop a sudden desire to communicate.  Silently, Blair cursed all the powers that be for landing him here.  For a split second he wished he were anywhere else, had been sent anywhere else.  Because he knew without a shadow of a doubt that whatever this was between them, it had changed both of them fundamentally.  It was like a switch had been thrown in his brain.  Lying to Jim was no longer an option.  There would be no more secrets between them because this bond, this connection they had formed simply wouldn’t allow it.  If he hadn’t been sure of the existence of such a Sentinel/Guide bond before, he certainly was now.  And more than that, he was sure that his relationship with Jim was now the most important, vital thing in his life.  Everything was about to change.

            The feeling of simultaneous moods was new and exciting.  It was as if the moment Blair felt something, he understood that Jim felt it too and he could feel what Jim was feeling.  It was like an echo or a reflection, he couldn’t tell which.  But it made hiding his feelings impossible.

            They rolled over to face each other and Blair took Jim’s hands in his, toying idly with his lover’s fingers.  “You can feel what I’m feeling, can’t you?”  Blair asked.

            “You’re happy,” Jim said, “but also sad.  And you love me, more than anything.”

            Squeezing Jim’s hands, a lump forming in his throat, Blair could only nod.

            “Before we have this conversation, I want you to know that I didn’t plan this.  Any of this.”

            The hairs stood up on Jim’s neck.  The emotions coming through their infant connection were tumultuous.  Jim tried to hold on to the fact that he knew Blair loved him, and he tried to project his own love back at his mate.

            “Whatever it is it's okay, Blair.  We’re together now.  Nothing can separate us.  I can feel it.  Can’t you?”

            “That’s what I’m afraid of,” Blair whispered, swallowing hard.

            Jim clutched his hands hard, an instinctive desire to keep his Guide close.  “What do you mean?” 

            Blair had to strain to hear the words.  He could feel Jim’s anxiety.  Gently, he pulled his hands away from his mate, sitting up and sliding off the bed.  He gave a long stretch and felt Jim watching him.

            “Get dressed, Jim.  There’s something I need to tell you and I don’t want to do it here, in our bed.”

            Jim nodded and they both dressed silently and went downstairs.  Jim moved to the coffee pot and pulled two mugs down from the cabinet.  The clock read 10:00pm.  He had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

            Blair was in his old room, rummaging around in the closet.  Jim wondered what his lover was going to tell him.  He knew it was causing Blair a lot of pain.  He only hoped he would be able to help.  For a long time he’d resisted Blair’s attempts to get him to embrace his role as Sentinel.  But every time he’d tried, it ended up hurting him or his partner or both.  Frankly, he was surprised he wasn’t freaking out about this whole thing more.  He knew down to the bones of him that whatever had happened in that bed tonight had been permanent and profound.  And for some reason he felt nothing but contentment at the thought that he and his Guide were now connected forever.  Surely nothing Blair could do or say would be enough to make him pull away from the other man.  Every Sentinel instinct he possessed rebelled at the very idea.

            A solid metal thunk against the table brought his attention back to his partner.  Blair had returned with a large metal lock box.  A box, he noticed, that had a combination lock.  One that he had never seen before.  Not in all the years they had lived together.  Not even when he had moved Blair’s stuff out and then back in to the loft.

            “The code is 4690354.  I want you to open it.”  Blair said, sitting down at the table and clutching his hands in front of him.

            Jim brought cups of coffee to the table with him, setting one down next to his Guide.

            “Are you sure?”  Jim asked.

            Bless him, Blair thought, he’ll even try and protect me from myself.  But then again, protecting him from himself was also the same as protecting himself.  A Sentinel couldn’t survive without a Guide.  Blair’s stomach rolled and he pushed the box towards Jim.

            “I’m sure,” he said.

            “What was the code again?”  And Jim typed in the numbers as Blair listed them off.

            Jim heard the small snick as the lock released but refused to look away from Blair’s eyes as he lifted the lid.  It felt like Armageddon.  It felt like Pandora’s box.  It felt like the end of everything.  And Jim’s heart was pounding in response to Blair’s fear.  Whatever it was in this box, it was scaring Blair shitless. 

            “Blair?”  Jim whispered, still not looking down, still not wanting to know.

            “Please, Jim.  I have to do this.  I have to know…”

            “If I’ll still love you?”  Jim asked.  The words appearing in his head like sky writing.  “I could never…”  He started to close the lid again but Blair stopped him.  “Whatever’s in here… whatever it is that you’ve been hiding… it can’t come between us.  I swear to you, Blair.  I know this is crazy.  I know I don’t sound like myself.  Hell, I have no idea what’s going on here but I’ve stopped fighting you on this, okay?  I’m a Sentinel and you’re my Guide and now it’s official.  In front of whatever spirits or gods or fucking mystical jungle bullshit you want to call upon.  Don’t you feel it too?”

            Blair’s fear and desperation were forming a sickening feedback loop of emotion.  “Yes,” Blair choked out and Jim had to turn up his hearing to catch it.  “I’m so sorry, Jim.  I never meant for any of this to happen.  I swear to you I will spend the rest of my miserable life making it up to you.  But right now I need to you look in the box.”

            And like the turning of the tides, or the rising of the sun in the sky, Jim inevitably followed his Guide.

            At first he wasn’t sure what he was looking at.  There was a thick accordion folder on top with no label.  He sank down slowly in a chair and pulled the accordion folder out of the box.  He reached inside and pulled out the stack of papers.  The first page was a title page bearing the title of Blair’s old dissertation.  The one on Sentinels.  The one that he had declared a fraud.  Okay, well, Jim wasn’t surprised that he had kept it.  After all, it was one of the only records in existence of his abilities or of any Sentinel’s abilities for that matter.  And it was his lover’s life’s work.  So okay, he had kept it.  No big deal.  Carefully, he placed it aside, still not really sure how he felt about maybe someday trying to read it.

            Next he pulled out a slim brown envelope.  The kind often used to send interoffice mail at the station.  There was nothing written on the outside so he carefully bent the brad and pulled up the flap.  He could feel the weight of the papers inside and turned it upside down so that the items fell out onto the table with a soft shush.  There were two booklets that looked like passports.  One was a passport.  Blair’s.  The other was a government ID.  The cover was embossed with the NSA logo.  The words National Security Agency made him stop.  His hands touched the soft leather cover, fingers running over the symbol.  He listened to Blair’s slightly elevated breathing and heart rate and tried to think of a reason why his partner would have an NSA ID.

            “Open it.”  Blair said.  He looked up to see a quiet kind of strength in Blair’s gaze. 

            Jim did.  He examined the document for several long minutes.  There was a picture of Blair there.  His hair was significantly shorter and he looked several years younger, but it was definitely his Blair.  The name on the ID was familiar too with one notable exception.

            “ _Doctor_ Blair Sandburg?”  Jim asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.

            Swallowing nervously, Blair said, “You’re taking this a lot better than I thought you would.”

            “I don’t think I’ve decided how to take it just yet.”

            The NSA ID didn’t appear to be fake, and frankly he couldn’t think of a good reason why Blair would be carrying around a fake NSA ID anyway.  He sighed, wondering what would happen next.  There were still some things in the box.  Jim could feel some sort of emotional response on the horizon, but right now he wasn’t sure how he felt.  He was still getting too much of Blair’s residual to know what was his and what was coming from his Guide.

            He put the ID aside and pulled the rest of the materials out of the box.  There was a copy of the Time Magazine in which he’d been featured and there was a small yellow folder containing a short dossier along with a picture of him, which appeared to be his DMV license photo from several years back.  The last thing in the box was a pile of photos.  Candid photos obviously taken at a distance.  There were about two dozen.  All of them featuring him.  Some of them obviously taken while he was on the job.  Some taken of him inside the loft.  There was even one of him and Carolyn. 

            He got up and went to stand at the windows.  Looking over at the other buildings he tried to picture Blair, or maybe some other operative, watching him from a distance with a telephoto lens.  How long had they been watching?  A shiver traced down his spine.  He couldn’t feel Blair as strongly as he had moments ago and wondered if the connection was settling down or if it was the physical distance.  He walked back to the table but the sensation of Blair’s emotions in his head did not intensify.  Maybe it was settling then.  Maybe they’d only be able to feel each other so acutely during and after lovemaking.

            Pain so sharp it sent him to his knees erupted in his chest.  He hissed in a breath and tried to blow it out, clutching a hand to his chest.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw Blair get up, take a halting step towards him, reach out to him with his hands.

            “No,” he choked out.  He couldn’t let Blair touch him.  Wasn’t sure what he would do.

            “Okay,” Blair said softly, freezing in place but not retreating.

            Was this what if felt like to have a broken heart?  Jesus, God, if this was what it was like he hoped he would die soon.  He remembered times in his Ranger training when he thought he would die.  Then during his cov-op days times when he was _sure_ he would die.  But he’d never wished he were dead.  Not until this very moment.  And he had… they had… God, they were so fucked!

            “Jim, can you at least tell me if you’re okay.  If you’re having a heart attack I need to call 911.”

            Blair’s voice held not one hint of humor.  He could feel a distant echo of Blair’s fear and sadness.  He could also feel Blair’s love.  He could feel the love the strongest.  Like Blair was pushing it at him.  And he wanted to be angry, and he wanted to rage and he felt like this would be a more than appropriate response to what he had just learned.  Their whole friendship.  Their whole time together.  Blair’s entire reason for _being_ had apparently been a lie.  A ruse.  A falsehood meant to gain his trust, gain access to his life and… and what? 

            “Jim?”  Blair asked, anxiety high in his voice.

            “Shut… up…” Jim said, his voice coming out as more of a growl.

            Blair subsided.  Going quiet.  More quiet than Jim had ever heard him. 

            He had to think.  He had to slow his goddamn brain down long enough to think.  You didn’t survive covert ops and eighteen months in the jungle by being stupid.  Yes, Blair had betrayed him.  Yes, Blair had lied to him (apparently for _years_ ).  Yes, Blair worked for a shadowy government agency that probably now knew a whole hell of a lot about him.  But he also couldn’t deny that Blair loved him.  Their link didn’t let him lie about that.  The thought struck him that Blair was probably incapable of lying to him about anything anymore.  And Blair had told the truth.  Finally.  In the end.  Perhaps it would be too little too late, but that remained to be seen.

            Jim wasn’t so innocent or naïve as to think that their relationship would go off without a hitch.  And he’d done his time in some shadowy government operations.  He knew what it was like to have to lie to people that you came to respect, even care about.  And in the end, he thought bleakly, they were stuck now.  Stuck with each other.  The bond was new and unfamiliar and completely untested, but every instinct Jim had was screaming at him that he could not reject the Guide.  That it would be the end for both of them if he did.  The only option seemed to be to get past this; unless Blair tried to lie to him again. 

            He forced himself to control his anger.  The ache in his chest wouldn’t go away though.  Standing and facing his Guide was one of hardest things he’d ever done. 

            The expression on Jim’s face was one Blair had seen before.  But it had never been aimed at him before.  Even when things were really bad, Jim had never looked at him like he was the worst kind of scum.  A serial killer and a child molest and a wife beater all rolled into one.  He made himself look.  Would not allow himself to turn away.  He told himself that whatever Jim decided to do, no matter what.  It was nothing more than he deserved.  He would do a lifetime of penance for what he’d done.  There was no price he could pay that could possibly make up for the fact that _he_ had put that look on Jim’s face.

            “I want the truth, Blair.  I want the whole story.  You start from the beginning and you don’t leave out one single fucking detail because I swear if you try to lie to me I’ll know, and I will walk out that door and I will not look back and then that will be the end of both of us.  And I swear to god right now I don’t even give a damn.” 

            Blair let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.  Because Jim was willing to listen.  Jim was at least willing to let him have a say.  Jim hadn’t thrown him out or beat him up or arrested him so he still had a chance.  Words were his strongest weapons.  Always had been.  He had to make each one count because now they were playing for keeps.  The games were over.  There was a countdown clock running in his head and he had no clue how much time was left on it.

            “Okay, okay.  The beginning.  Right.  Um… okay,” Blair paused.  The clock read 10:23pm.  He pushed everything aside.  Right now there was no case, no Sentinel/Guide mystical shit, no imminent nervous breakdown from childhood trauma.  There was only Jim and Blair and the fate of the most important thing that had ever happened in his life. 

            “The beginning was eleven years ago when I was eighteen.  I had almost finished my undergrad degree and was applying to graduate schools.  I’d already published a few minor articles as a co-author and one as a primary.  That one was on Sentinels.  I spent a lot of my time doing research and kissing the ass of tenured professors in order to get picked up for field work.  It wasn’t easy being the resident kid genius and a lot of the professors didn’t take me seriously or didn’t want the liability or…”

            “Get to the _point_ , Sandburg,” Jim interrupted.

            “Right, anyway, I was in the library late one night when this random guy came up and introduced himself.  I mean, I didn’t think anything of it at first.  I thought maybe he was trying to pick me up when he asked if I wanted to go for some coffee.  Then when we got to the café he pulls out his card.”

            “Let me guess, he was an NSA man?”

            “No, actually,” Jim looked up hesitantly but went on when Jim sighed impatiently, “I don’t remember his actual title but he worked for Senator Chambers.”

            “Who served on the National Security Committee?”

            “Yes, right.  He said that the Senator had read my article and that he wanted to speak with me about a job.  At first I told the guy I wasn’t interested, right?  I mean, I had no great love for The Man, so-to-speak.  But he was pretty insistent.  And he said that there might be some opportunities for grants and scholarships and I was a poor undergrad student of a single mom who, let’s face it, isn’t exactly the most _reliable_ of financial providers.

            So the next weekend I find myself on a flight to DC.  And the Senator comes down into the lobby to collect me personally.  So now I’m thinking this might be a bigger deal than I thought.  He sits me down in his personal office and pulls out all these files.  And on top of the stack of files is that Time Magazine article.  And he says, and I’ll never forget this, he says, ‘I read your article, young man.  How would you like to meet a real, live Sentinel?’

            And he pushes the files towards me and I start reading.  And it’s all about you, Jim.  They had your medical records from the Army.  They had your psych eval and your discharge papers.  They had records as recent as six months before I even _met_ the Senator.  The evidence was all there.  Heightened senses.  He said he wanted me to _help_ you.  That you’d served your country and he hated the way you’d been treated by the Army and you deserved better.  He said I was the only person who knew anything about Sentinels.  And he told me they would fast-track my doctorate so I could be legit.  All I had to do was agree to work for the NSA.”

            “And you agreed to that?”  The scorn in Jim’s voice burned.

            “I was eighteen, Jim.  I was young and stupid.  They offered me my dream on a silver platter plus the money and means to make it happen.”

            “So, what?  You had to study me?  Did you write reports?  Is there some file on me in some underground bunker somewhere?  Are the men in the black van gonna show up some time soon and haul my ass away?” 

            Blair watched Jim’s body grow tense with each shouted question.  He held himself still, resolving himself not to fight back if it got ugly.

            “There were reports, yes.  And they have a copy of the diss and all of my field notes.  I’m not sure about a file, man, but I imagine… yes.  I haven’t actually been to the office since I’ve lived here.  As far as someone coming to get you… my best answer is… I don’t know.  I mean, they haven’t so far…”

            “You don’t know.”  And worse than the anger, Jim’s voice now sounded dull and lifeless.

            “God, this is all so fucked up,” Blair said, mostly to himself.

            “You can say that again.”

            There was a long pause during which Jim tried to digest the simplicity of it all.  Somehow he’d expected more.  Blair’s simple story of naïve self-absorption somehow didn’t fit his view of the twenty-nine-year-old that now sat in front of him.  Plus there was a lot of time missing from that story.

            “So what happened then?”  Jim asked.

            “What do you mean ‘what happened then’?  That’s pretty much it, man.  I finished my undergrad, I got accepted to Rainier.  Chambers was as good as his word.  He fast-tracked my degree and had me out of there in three years.  I trained at the NSA for a little over a year and then I went on assignment.”

            “Assignment meaning me,” Jim’s hard gaze hammered the point home.

            “Yes, you,” Blair swallowed audibly.

            “So you must have surveilled me for what two, two and half years before first contact?”

            Blair did some quick mental math.  “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

             “So all of that bullshit you fed me about your dissertation and being a student… that was all a lie.”  It was a statement, not a question.

            “Basically, yes.  Although I would argue that I’m kind of a perpetual student.”  Blair tried to inject some humor into the situation but he could tell by Jim’s expression that his attempt was in vein.

            “What about Naomi?”  Jim asked.

            “What about her?” 

            “Is she really your mother?”

            “Of _course_ she’s really my mother!”  Blair replied as if this question was patently ridiculous.

            “I’m just trying to establish some parameters here, Sandburg.  I’m trying to determine how much of this… how much of _us_ has been real and how much has been a fabrication.  I’d like to know if I’ve fallen in love with someone who doesn’t exist.”

            “Jim, listen to me.  Everything, and I mean _everything_ about me has been real.  Except for those minor details and really that’s just the timeline.  Do you want to know what my dissertation was really about?”

            “Sure,” Jim said.

            “It was about people with heightened senses.  Not Sentinels, obviously, but all those people who can sense things beyond the range of normal.  I spent three years of my life locating and documenting case after case after case.  I also did a lot of work with those people to determine if those abilities could be controlled.  Most of the hands-on stuff I’ve done with you was pioneered with those people.  I spent that time getting ready.  Using what little I had from Burton and other original sources and combining it with trial and error testing with my dissertation subjects.”

            “So the teaching fellowship at Ranier?  What about that?”

            “That’s legit.  I teach class there and they have no idea that I also work for the NSA.”

            “Blair, what did you mean when you said ‘you never meant for any of this to happen’?”

            Blair sighed.  This is what it all came down to.  He really had no way of explaining himself, and no valid excuses.  He’d been young and naïve and selfish.  But what young adult wasn’t?

            “I never meant… I never _expected_ to fall in love with you, Jim.  I can’t even begin to explain to you how many times I’ve regretted ever agreeing to any of this,” he said, waving his hand to encompass the contents of the box now strewn over the kitchen table.  “But when I started to care about you, to fall in love with you.  I _knew_ I’d have to tell you eventually.  I should have done it a long time ago.”

            “Damn right you should have.”

            “And for that I am so so _so_ profoundly sorry, Jim.  There’s really no excuse for that so I won’t try to make one.”

            “Did you know this would happen?”

            Blair knew Jim was referring to what had happened tonight, the seeming bond that had formed between them.

            “No.  I swear to you I had no idea.  I was going on instinct just as much as you were.  Nothing in any of the literature I’ve read talks about some sort of spiritual or mystical connection between Sentinels and their Guides.  But it makes sense.  I had theorized that some sort of connection might be possible or necessary.  As of right now, we’re in uncharted waters, man.” 

            “What are we going to do now?”  Jim asked.  He found his anger had dissipated.  Not that he was ready to forgive quite yet, but he was also pragmatic enough to recognize that they were in a catch 22 here.  “You cannot possibly believe that I’m just going to be okay with all of this.  That you’re going to be able to continue sending your little status reports over to whoever it is you report to.”

            “I’ve been sending fake reports for a while now,” Blair said quietly.  “For almost a year actually.  Ever since I knew I was in up to my neck with you emotionally.”

            “How long until they realize you’ve gone rogue?” 

            “I don’t know.  They could already know something’s up.  I haven’t actually been in touch with my direct supervisor for several months.  I get no response to my emails.”

            “I don’t suppose simply resigning is an option?”

            “Well, I could certainly resign.  I mean, it’s not like this is some Hollywood movie.  It’s a job like every other job.  I imagine there would be some signing of non-disclosure agreements and dire threats of arrest for things like treason if I ever revealed what I know about you and your abilities.  I’m not actually worried about what will happen to me.”

            Jim blew out a breath.  He wasn’t quite certain that it would be that simple.  He imagined if the NSA had expended all of these resources just to gather data on _one man_ it would be a little more difficult for them to simply allow their _one_ researcher to walk away in possession of all that highly sensitive data.  And then there was the issue of him potentially ending up in some underground laboratory in Nevada or New Mexico or some other godforsaken middle-of-nowhere, never to be seen again.

            “Can we talk about _us_ for a minute?”  Blair asked.  Jim had to give him credit for pure nerve. 

            “You assume there’s still an ‘us’ to talk about,” Jim said coldly, just to see the younger man flinch. 

            “Is there?”

            “Tell me what you feel right now.  Tell me what this ‘bond’ between us is saying about how I feel.”

            For a minute Blair was quiet, his focus inward.  “You’re pissed,” he said with a twisted smile, “um, you’re anxious and afraid… you love me.”  He said the last through a throat choked with tears. 

            “Yeah, you dumb shit, I love you.  Do you even have any idea what we just did up there?”  Jim asked, jerking his head up to indicate the bedroom.

            “I’m beginning to comprehend,” Blair said.

            “Yeah.  For once I think I’ve got you beat in the understanding department.  Maybe it’s because I’m the one with the heightened senses.  Blair, even the _thought_ of leaving you or hurting you has me breaking out in a cold sweat.  What happened tonight wasn’t just about a physical connection.  It was a way of cementing our relationship.”

            “Jim, did Incacha talk to you about this?”  Blair got the feeling that Jim knew more than what he was letting on.  How did his Sentinel seem so certain that this connection was permanent?

            “Not in so many words, no.  But he also wouldn’t allow himself to be physically intimate with me.  I’m just reading between the lines.”

            “So you think that you never formed a bond with him because you two were never physically intimate?  And you were never physically intimate because he knew that he wasn’t your true Guide?”

            “Basically, yes,” Jim said.

            “Okay… okay.  So we’ve established that we still love each other and that for all intents and purposes we’re basically stuck with each other anyway.”

            “Pretty much,” Jim said.  “What’s your plan for handling the NSA?  I mean, you can’t just continue to file fake reports right?  They may even be on to you already.  And there’s still the small matter of them having reams of data about me and knowing exactly where I live and work.”

            “I don’t know.  I haven’t thought it all out yet.  They’re playing the long game.  I have no idea what, if anything, they’re even doing with the data I’ve sent.  Quite frankly, if their intent had been to disappear you into some lab somewhere they’d have probably done it by now.  They certainly have enough data to have a good idea of what you can do.  I don’t think that’s their plan.  If I had to guess…”

            “They would try to recruit me.”

            “Yeah, yeah, that would be my guess.”

            “And then, what, use my skills to spy on United States citizens?  Gather intelligence data on suspected terrorist cells?  That sort of thing?”

            “Probably.”

            “And if I said ‘no’?”

            “Probably nothing.  Jim, this isn’t the movies.  They can’t just force a private citizen to work for them.  And you haven’t done anything that would give them leverage.  You’re one of the _good guys_.  It would be stupid to try and force you to work for them if you don’t want to, you could compromise them in any number of ways.”

            “Right.  You think that if they come calling to offer me a job they’re just gonna walk away if I say no.”

            “Well, yeah.  Think about it, Jim, you’re a cop, a _decorated_ police officer.  Hell, you’re cop of the year two years running!  They can’t just disappear you.  People would notice.  People would look for you.  I mean, me… me they could disappear.  About the only person who’d miss me would be you, and right now I’m not even too sure about that.  But you, man, no way.  No way would they risk that.  They might lean hard on you to help them out.  But I don’t see any way they could take you against your will.  And again, what good would that do?”

            “I think you’re still not seeing the whole picture, Sandburg.”

            “I think you’ve been watching too many movies, Ellison.”

            “Alright.  It seems a moot point to speculate anyway.  You’re right in saying it would be difficult to coerce me against my will.  I’ll give you that.  I’m just not so sure they’d give up that easily.  So, what’s the plan?”

            “I’m not sure yet.  I’m working on it.”

            “Great.  Wonderful.  There’s no plan.”

            “Well, do _you_ have a plan?”

            “I’ve only had an hour to digest all this, Sandburg, of course I don’t have a plan!”

            “Okay then, if you have any flashes of insight I’d be happy to know them.  I say, until we have something concrete we just continue on as before.  It would certainly be bad if someone at the Agency caught wind that things weren’t copacetic around here.”

            Jim nodded, glanced at the clock.  11:45pm. Not so long after all.  Only an hour and forty-five minutes to turn his entire life upside down.   

            The ringing of the phone made both men jump.

            Grateful for the distraction, Jim answered.

            “Hey Jim, it’s Brown, sorry to wake you.”

            “I wasn’t sleeping, Brown, what’s up?”

            “We picked up Michael Ellison this evening for questioning and he’s asking for you.  He says he wants to talk, but he’ll only talk to you.  He says he can give us some big fish here.  Hasn’t even asked for a lawyer yet.”

            Jim’s jaw cracked as he clenched it.  Out of the frying pan into the fire.  “You mirandize him?”

            “Yeah, no problem.  He knows the drill.  Will you come down?”

            “Sure, man, I’ll be there in fifteen.”

            “Well?”  Blair asked tentatively.

            “My uncle wants to speak to me.  Says he won’t talk to anyone but me.  Brown claims he wants to give us some leads on the case.” 

            “Jim, are you gonna be able to handle this?”

            The look he gave his younger partner made Blair take a step back. 

            “I don’t know, Sandburg.  All know is, I’ve had a really shitty night so far and it’s not getting any better.  Might as well confront some demons from my past, right?  Get it all out there in the open!  Hell, maybe I can bash his fucking face in and it’ll make me feel better.”  He gave Blair a purposefully feral smile, grabbing his jacket on the way out the door.  When Blair moved for his own coat, Jim stopped him.  “Stay here, Blair.”

            For a long time, Blair stood by the door, wondering if he’d made the right choice.


End file.
